Trying to keep busy

I have been working for 2 weeks now at my new job at Bournville College as a Marketing and PR assistant, and I have to say I love it. I love that I have found something I am both good at, and something which I enjoy as it gives me something to aim for in two years time.
I've also got a job interview at a bridal shop near me which should be amazing and fun, I have my fingers, toes and everything else crossed as I think it would be quite an experience. I also love weddings, (well, the dresses at least) so this gives me an opportunity to build upon my client-based experience, and gain some experience in retail which I currently do not have.

On top of this I have brought and wrapped all of Rob's birthday presents for next month so I am organised, I have been working on my research project surrounding crime and the family, and I have been researching how to enter a career in marketing and PR. I have also just been appointed the new Secretary for the Modern Foreign Languages society at University which is exciting, and another notch on my CV!

Whilst seeing Rob, family and friends, I have not had much chance to really reflect on things. For this, I have been thankful, as right now I seem to be losing so many people in my life as a result of cancer, death or because I just lose contact with them. I am struggling to keep my feelings in check, and I can feel something building and I just hope that I am strong enough to deal with it when it spills out.

My dad's close friend Stuart has been diagnosed with lymphoid cancer. My cousin has been taken off her medicine and is now in a hospice with only weeks to live as a result of bone cancer. My nan is still suffering from it too, and I just feel like everyone is being tainted by the disease. I wake up in sweats and tears after nightmares of my family or Rob being riddled with cancer, and on top of this my sister was rushed into hospital last Saturday because of a heart murmur.

Everything is spinning and twisting out of control, and whilst I am grateful for my own health, and for the ability to keep busy, at night I find it really hard to sleep because I'm scared I'll wake up to bad news like Rob did a few weeks ago. I don't have the strength to lose more people, and although it's only my nan who refuses to see us, it's three people I have known and loved who are being savagely ripped from my world, and my family's world.

I am also saddened to hear about Jade-Pandora and I think it is with this realisation that I feel like I'm at the brink of breaking. I am not writing this to make anyone feel guilty or bad, but just trying to put my thoughts and feelings into order.

I doubt it'll work, and I know I should be thankful for days like last Friday where Rob took me to his favourite football stadium after seeing two baby foxes dance in his garden, followed by an amazing lunch at our favourite restaurant... I should count those days more than the sad moments but right now I don't feel like I have the right to be happy, not when so many people are in pain or are in anguish.

I don't know, and after writing this I still feel like shit.