Cancer

I haven't written anything in a while as I have been struggling to understand how I feel. I passed my first year of my History degree, and whilst I feel incredibly proud of this achievement, it is somewhat clouded by the fact that I recently found out my nan is dying of cervical cancer, with between 4-8 weeks left to live.

This is something I am not sure if I have come to terms with yet, considering that even in her dying days, she does not want to acknowledge or love us, or my dad. Whilst there is a part of me which is still furious at her for the way she has outcast and hurt us, branding us 'mongrels', claiming my dad is not my real dad (considering I look at a lot like my dad and Grandad!) and protecting the man who keeps destroying my parents livelihoods. In the past 2 years, my parents cars and vans have been stripped of their paint as a result of an acid attack, the tyres slashed and we've also had bricks thrown at our windows by my uncle who is an incredibly jealous, insecure and lost person. My nan has defended him against my dad, and in doing so has managed to cause a wedge within the family so deep that even as she lays in the ground, there is probably no way in which it can be resolved. My extended family have also made it clear that we are the bad ones, going to university or having a stable relationship, supporting and love one another for genuine reasons. Apparently we are the ones who deserve to be branded as mongrels and whatever else, and we are the ones who cannot be a part of that family anymore.

Whilst there is a part of me which does not care for what they do, another part is incredibly hurt. And it is this part that is beginning to mourn for the nan who never wanted to know or love us, who has spent her entire life hurting others to get what she wants the most - power and control. I can't bring myself to hate her, and to be honest what she is going through I would never wish upon anyone, but I can't understand why she has decided that we cannot say goodbye to her. I don't understand why she is punishing us for doing nothing wrong! She infuriates me so much, but she is still my nan and I never want to say goodbye to her, not in this way anyway. I want to be able to tell her to her face everything inside this blog, but I am not able to do so. If I do, I risk hurting my dad and fuelling the feud that exists so strongly in our lives.

I have never been someone who has thought too much about the effects of cancer, but now it is a very strong reality and I am not sure how I feel. Lost, scared, hurt, angry. Not only has it taken the life of my nan, but it has destroyed any chance of forgiveness and the rebuilding of the mother-son relationship my dad wishes he still had. I know I am lucky as I have a Grandad who loves me and who is incredibly proud of me, and my siblings, and I will never take a single moment with him for granted. I just wish my nan was able to see that we do not want to fight with her, we just want the chance to say goodbye.

Cancer is an ugly word, and it's making me feel the ugliest of emotions. I wish there was a part of me that could cry for my nan, and for the fact that she has been dealt with such a terrible, painful end to her life. I also wish there was a part of me which could stop being so angry, because at the moment that's the main emotion I feel.